My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I see your IQ test came back negative
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?