@merican_ninjy I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
@StorybookBlonde My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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@merican_ninjy 
@seamussaid my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
@djdarrellripley My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
@BlairLoudly Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
@ozzyunc For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
@AimeeHelene1 Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
@wildethingy Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
@0ne_1980 I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
@Cheeseboy22 I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
@SteveSuckington How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.