@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

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@merican_ninjy

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@ozzyunc

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

@AimeeHelene1

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

@wildethingy

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

@0ne_1980

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@SteveSuckington

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.