My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.


Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.


Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.


I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”


I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.


How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.