me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
bears
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.