“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.