He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
she has a point
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”