interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You are not alone 💚
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car