I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!