Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.