[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Good advice.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Yoga Matt
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”