Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.