That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
LMAO.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on