@badbanana

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

@SortaBad

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

@upsidedowntrash

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@JediGigi

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

@sofarrsogud

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

@iwearaonesie

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

@ArfMeasures

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@goodgrief_rats

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.