*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him