feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Lmbo
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.