whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur