@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

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@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@BeingDBEAST

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

@EmSlyce

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

@Girl_Censored

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

@IronBiggie

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]