I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]