Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Truth
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again