6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes