Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you