You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
You Might Also Like
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”