Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.