just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it