As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”