Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
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