{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*