Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
The Onion called it…again.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?