My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
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What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*