Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
You Might Also Like
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
i really liked this one
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.