My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
You Might Also Like
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Finally! 😈
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!