My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
You Might Also Like
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders