Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Lol.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Ron is short for Aaronald