Lol.
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.