Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.