Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Hard not to take this personally
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.