Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.


Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.


Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”


My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.


Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.


*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*


My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.