People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Imma just leave this here…………
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here