if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good