Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
You Might Also Like
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
saving face 👀
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”