Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.