Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!