[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
How dramatic are you?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Breaking news:
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun