if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
He’s cranky this morning
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.