if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
my one true gender
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
LA today:
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.