Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag