LA today:
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.