Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things