me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent