@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

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@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@legendofchelda

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

@neilhimself

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

@noog

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

@adrianmyreality

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@ACartoonCat

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*