Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
That stupid look on my face, is my face
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”