Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
this post was so formative to me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,