My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt