The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
You Might Also Like
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.