paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
all that yoga finally paid off
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies