Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
You Might Also Like
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!