Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Jogging
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Jesus Christ lmao
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Important reminders
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Proctology is located in A55
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking