the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”