me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
They must have gotten it to go.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.